Because I'm Happy

images from Jeff Koons exhibit at The Whitney Museum, 2014

(FYI - colors of images have been manipulated)

There are many points in your life where you finally come to the conclusion that you should have trusted your gut feeling. I remember that feeling I would get when I would knowingly waste my time on hopeless relationships. Immediately after agreeing to go along with their decisions I would have a gut-wrenching knot in my stomach. It boggles my mind to think that our bodies can react to "wrong" decisions. Like why can't my body do a gigantic happy dance when I'm about to do something right???

When you're young and naive I liked to think you get some sort of FREE pass. But now that I've gained more experience I find it so much easier to stop myself from making habitual mistakes. For so long I chose to ignore that instinctual feeling. In a way I feel like it was me taking the easy way out. I hate confrontation. I hate losing people I care about. But what if the truth was that I didn't have such a strong self. Maybe??

What annoys me about this "psychic" feeling that I have....(I call it "psychic" because I've been on a crazy psychic documentary spree. Apparently everyone has a psychic ability. I'm just exercising it! lol) But back to my point - It's almost like I can't do anything without having these thoughts like - "this is what will happen" or "this isn't the right thing" or "don't take that second date". Do you call that gut feeling or self-sabotage?

For the first time in forever (cheesy Frozen reference) I feel so empowered. I'm comfortable in my own skin. I know what I am able to take. I know what I like. I know how I should be treated. 

And lastly, I'm happy.

PERSONAL: Those DAMN Butterflies

You know that feeling that you get when you meet that special someone? That feeling that doesn't happen very often but when it does you know you're in deep trouble. I'm talking about those damn butterflies. The ones that flutter in your stomach, uncontrollably. One minute you're feeling like you're on top of the world and one minute you want to throw up. I'm telling you these butterflies aren't the same ones you felt in college. They're not the ones that end in one night stands. Or the ones that last two weeks. They're the forever kind, I hope.

I mean I seriously can't make this feeling to go away. It's almost annoying I tell you. Annoying because I can't really decipher what my mind is telling me and why my body is reacting like this. I think I know what I'm feeling but then I don't really know. Anyways here's a glimpse of the conversation that plays in my conscience.

(Brain) - HEYYYYY

(Me) - Hi, wtf is the problem?

(Brain) - Oh, I'm just really happy.

(Me) - Ummm, okay. Why?

(Brain) - Because I really like his brain.

(Me) - Are you sure? You must be out of your mind. It's crazy that this is happening.

(Brain) - Nope I'm not crazy. I like this brain. Let me enjoy this for a little bit longer.

(Me) - I will if you would tell my stomach to stop making me sick every 2-3 seconds.

(Brain) - RELAX you're ruining it for me.

(Me) - Shouldn't you be the one telling me to relax....?

Okay I'm starting to sound psycho. I mean it appears that I find this guy interesting? I really didn't think I was capable of finding any guy interesting. All I'm saying is that no one has really kept my attention for longer than three weeks.

We've been going on dates every now and then. Simple dates. But I find it rather unusual lately. Hours before the date I start to get a little excited. I'm checking the mirror twice. Looking extra cute (even though I naturally am). 30 minutes before getting to the place I break out in a small sweat and those DAMN butterflies start batting their wings. I mean geez I'm really trying to calm myself down. It's as if I'm a first grader going to my first day of class. Nervous and shy. And if anyone knows me - I AM NOT EITHER OF THOSE.

The most awkward part is saying Hello. I know how retarded that might sound but I seem to forget how to hug a person properly. I do the half-hug. The annoying I-don't-like-you hug. What is my problem? I don't know (Kanye shrug). Our conversations start off kind of awkward at first and thankfully for alcohol it allows us to be break into our selves. Finally my brain shuts off and I'm just feeling this "feeling". Don't know what to name this "feeling" or these DAMN butterflies but I'm just going to do what my brain told me to do and relax =)

PERSONAL: 3 things that make me go ahhhh!

1. Student Loans

2. Career

3. Boys

The end.

PERSONAL : New Beginnings

It's 1:07 A.M in the morning and I just can't sleep. Not really sure what's really going on in my mind but I guess it's time to play catch up. As some of you might have noticed, I haven't been vlogging for a while now. Mainly because I don't have a camera anymore. I don't want to go back to my laptop because of the quality. I'm trying to get my hands on some kind of device but to be honest I have so much going on right now. It's hard to make videos/edit/etc. There are so many stressful subjects on my mind like student loans, bills, personal life, etc.

I think the last time I mentioned my current job status was when I last worked at a law company. Law is totally not my cup of tea but it paid the bills. I was able to catch a break and enjoy NYC for a while. Things didn't work out and I'm no longer with the company.

Am I sad? No - because I was never happy there and the place didn't match up with my morals, goals, and ideas.

What am I doing now? Job hunting, interviews, freelance, and interning at shopmaeven.com (so excited).

Shopmaeven.com is this chic online vintage boutique that carries women's apparel and accessories. All products are so hip and modern. I was brought on as a stylist and will help out with the social media occasionally. Totally jumping for joy because you all know how much I love styling! I plan on updating behind-the-scenes images on my instagram (zabbbeyyy). Follow to stay updated.

Alright, that's all for now. Take care lovelies!

PERSONAL: Finally able to breath

I'm finally happy with how things are going in New York. It's been a struggle to find a stable job that is going to get me the experience I need and pay the bills too. Although -- I'm not working in fashion. That doesn't mean I'm off track. It's a stepping stone for me so I'm excited to see where this will take me. To be real "money is the motive".

Sallie Mae and Wells Fargo has been calling me about 2-3 times a day. It's annoying and I cringe every time I get a phone call. After having countless tearful calls with these bitches I've come to the conclusion that they don't give a damn about my well being. They want their money. Hey - I would pay you if I had the money. Give me some time to catch up. FUCK! College grads prepare for the madness.

Besides that bullshit I've been enjoying the friendships I've made here. I love the people that I have surrounded myself with. This is important to me because those who are around you will influence you. No squares in my circle. Unless you're a cool one.

But I've got some plans to keep me focused on fashion. I can't leave that bitch. She's my one true love. Can't stay away from her too long.

(will try to make a video vlog in the next week)

PERSONAL: Frame this.

Just ideas for a party I'll either be hosting or decorating. Not exactly sure on all the details yet. All I know is that it will definitely be a fun night. I'm really loving these masks. They're such great props for cool funky photos. Looks kind of hipster-ish......lol

PERSONAL: Self-doubt

I don't know why I've been so hard on myself lately. I sometimes catch me saying I can't or I don't deserve this and that. I don't understand where this negativity is coming from. Maybe it's the devil who is whispering sweet nothings in my ear. Recently I just became saved by the Lord Jesus Christ. I grew up in a Christian family but I never really felt like it was right for me. I did believe in a God but I felt like I didn't deserve his love because I wasn't "perfect". Totally wrong. God loves you for who you are. He accepts you. This brings me back to the reason I started writing this post. Maybe the reason I'm having all this doubt is because I truly believe that I don't deserve love and happiness....weird to think this and all but it might somehow make sense if you look at the issue realistically. All I can do now is pray and ask for the support of friends and family. Good day friends!

Follow me on Instagram!

Finally caught up to the iphone family! Follow me to stay updated with my newest ventures!

PERSONAL: Back to Reality

Only God knows how long I've been away. It's been a pretty busy month for me. Plenty of ups and downs but in the end I made it through. The only way for me to really give you an idea of what's been happening is through photos. For the most part I tried documenting every thing so it would be easier than writing three to four paragraphs about every event and detail of my life. If you're following my tumblr, twitter, or instagram (zabbbeyyy) you'll get much more frequent images and updates of what I'm doing. My blog has always been a place where I share my life when it's most natural to me. I try not to force myself to write because it then feels like work all over again.

(1) 90's inspired photo shoot with photographer Micah Mickles



(2) James and Amanda visit NYC



(3) Home to NC



(4) Client work for Besame Lingerie (Hover for links to support and like their fb and read their blog)

Hope you enjoyed all these pictures. I had a great time with my family and friends from back at home. I was really stressed and needed time away. Now that I'm back to NYC I'm ready to get back to reality.

PERSONAL: Evidence Of A Fashionista

Time to clean up my room -- ugh. RIP Whitney Houston <3

PERSONAL: How I feel atm

PERSONAL: Truly blessed

Finally the chance to talk about some new things in my life. First off, I now have my Bachelor of Arts in Fashion Marketing and Management. It's been an extremely crazy journey. Everything is so surreal right now and I almost can't comprehend everything that is happening. It's crazy to believe that I am 21 years old with a Bachelor degree. I'm still so young. Still so young. To top that off I won 'Best Portfolio' too. An incredible achievement that I'm so glad to have earned.

Second part of my news.....I'm moving to New York. Three weeks ago I went to New York to interview for an internship at KarmaLoop.com. And I landed it! Since I was graduating soon they decided to give me the time to get everything together so I can move to NYC.

It's such a coincidence that I wrote a blog post about my goals for the next year. I was in quite a depressive mode about my future. This opportunity changed my life. I am so thankful for my family and friends. Without them I would not be the person I am today. Thank you for all the love you all have given me. I am truly blessed.

These are just some of my images from my trip. Enjoy!